Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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