I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
