hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
