Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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