he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
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