my vag is so smooth its legendary
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize