My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
