I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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