i need an iv and a liver transplant
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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