you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Hippo gnu deer
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
