I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
