she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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