my mouth tastes like poor choices
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
