I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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