I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
only you would photoshop your dick
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
