dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
