Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
