I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
