i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
