i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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