Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
