Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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