I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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