We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
