I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
