The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
