He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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