Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
My life is pants optional.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
