I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
