Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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