how can u be prego again
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
dude i'm inner monologue high
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
