So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
