Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize