Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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