you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
