Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
