i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
