come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
