I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Houston, we have a squirter
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
