I am in a vortex of obligation.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
