were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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