so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I'm always down for nudity.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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