I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
