Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
