it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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