So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
