i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
