if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
