So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Randomize
