go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
a search helicopter?!
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Randomize
