chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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