I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
