We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
