You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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