I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
