So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize