the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
