Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
