I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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