i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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