I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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